Grief, “Am I doing it right?”
Understanding Grief: Navigating the Complex Emotions of Loss
Grief can often be mistaken for sadness or sorrow, but anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one, a pet, or even a previous chapter in life knows that grief is far more complex. It is layered with a range of emotions that can be overwhelming, confusing, and difficult to express.
A common question from those grieving is, “Am I doing it right?” This misconception about grief—how it should look and how long it should last—often creates unnecessary pressure.
In my grief therapy groups, we work to identify the wide array of emotions that arise during grief. These can include sadness, guilt, joy, hope, exhaustion, anger, confusion, gratitude, abandonment, overwhelm, jealousy, loneliness, connection, and disconnection, among many others.
The emotional spectrum of grief is vast, and it can often feel contradictory. How can someone feel deep sorrow and gratitude at the same time? The truth is that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Each feeling, no matter how conflicting it may seem, is valid. Accepting the full range of emotions that grief brings allows us to meet ourselves where we are and say, "Yes, this is exactly how I grieve."
The Misunderstanding of Grief and the Kubler-Ross Model
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the creator of the 5 stages of grief, is often misunderstood. Many people mistakenly assume that her model applies to those grieving the loss of a loved one. However, Kubler-Ross originally created this model for individuals who were terminally ill, not those left behind after a loss.
Although a linear, step-by-step process may seem helpful, it often leads to the belief that there’s a “right” way to grieve and that there will be an end point. This can cause frustration and self-blame if grief doesn’t follow a prescribed path.
Tips for Coping with Grief
You’re not doing it wrong – Don’t “should” on yourself. Grief often feels like an emotional roller coaster, and your grief may look different from someone else's. Remember, your grief is your own personal journey. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to grieve, and no timeline to follow.
Coping vs. Healing – Instead of focusing on "healing" as if grief has an end point, consider coping with the loss. Healing implies there will come a time when you are no longer grieving, which may not happen. Coping acknowledges that grief will forever change us, and we will learn to manage how grief shows up in our lives over time.
Find a supportive community – Grieving alone can make the process feel even more isolating. Whether through therapy, support groups, trusted friends, or family, sharing your grief with others provides a space for your emotions to be heard and validated. Staying connected with others helps you feel seen and supported.
Self-compassion is key – Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a close friend. Grief may never fully end, but when given the space to be expressed, it will transform over time.
Moving Through Grief with Support
Grief is a difficult emotion to carry, but with the right support, mindfulness, and coping strategies, the weight of grief can feel more manageable. Therapy for grief, support groups, and self-compassion are important tools to help you move through your grief journey.
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief and needs support, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here to help you cope and navigate your grief in a compassionate and healing way.
